HayWire

My emotions are going fucking haywire right now. Yeah, I said it was going to by like a diary so lets jump straight in shall we. SO I moved back into my mothers house because I am having issues with my husband. I've been trying to have regular conversations again. I know that he is my best friend but having 3 kids in three years put a BIG toll on our relationship...but it put a bigger toll on  me. Point blank period. I don't want to hear any man talk about all the shit he has to go through. All the emotional and mental turmoil. yada yada blah. I went through it too and I also had to carry the damn child. Like THE FUCK!!!. So today I'm on the phone with him and my daughter gets upset that her cookie broke. So i told her to stop whining and eat it. So my husband tells me I could be nicer about it. Tell her its taste just the same and all that. I am a stay at home mother, and I've told him I need a break. I have postpartum depression and I'm tired of being around the kids. I am literally with them day in and day out. When he gets off i don't get a break. So I moved here and was hoping to get a break. Yeah well, my mother is trying but shes trying to push her ways on me. No thats not how I'm gonna raise my kids. You raised us and that was fine but I'm not all the way good and I don't want to push that on them. No one here is giving me the kind of help that I need. No one wants to change a single diaper, my mother gives my son like 3 baths a day. I don't have that many clothes with me. You not driving me to my apartment in this snow. No. You gonna wash they clothes? No, because I'm not gonna let you. Why they got holes and stains and this and that. Because they are children. please stop reminding me of my past. Why is it that whenever someone wants to get there life together everyone wants to throw every bad thing back at them. I want to go back so bad but I don't want to be back in that situation. i feel like I'll just die in the same situation. Like we'll be stuck in the same financial and romantic rut till we 80. But here....my depression AND anxiety is bugging me. My mom is doing too much. Her bf is in  his damn feelings about some dumb shit. And my brother and his house guest make me feel all out of place. Like just because i don't know who made this damn song or whatever pop culture thing that is so unimportant and irrelevant to the survival of my family, I must be some kinda stupid. You know how people say things with an imaginary "duh!" at the end....She says everything out her mouth like that. Oh you don't know who that is? really?
YES Really?!?!? Like what the fuck I have 3 children and I'm working my postpartum and my own self esteem and in the mean time working on my relationship . Like I don't have time and I don't listen to rap and what mot like that anyway. Give me an old Three Days Grace album and I'm good.


Anyways, I'm pissed but this all started with the cookie. I'm pissed as all hell about that. You know what, I know that I can talk to them better. it doesn't come out like that though because not a single person has helped me with these damn kids in a effective way. Oh i'll get one or two of them. Or i'll get all three for a few hours. that just too much on me
SO HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL??!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Half the time I leave out the house he asks me to take one with  me. I don't have time for that shit. SO if no one else wants to  be with all my kids at the same time then what the hell does everyone think i'm going through.....?
but thats all cool. I don't get mental help. Thats why the korean saying always sticks with me
A woman is weak, But a mother is the stongest ( i don't think women are weak but mothers do so damn much)